Hearty Approbation and Lavish Praise

Book Review:

Dale Carnegie, "How to Win Friends and Influence People", Vermilion, 2006.

Like many people, I tend to have a certain skepticism toward self-help books. These books typically repackage clichéd conventional wisdom, lack rigorous academic research, and have sensationalistic titles that over-promise on their content.

However, Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People (henceforth abbreviated HtWF&IP) is not a merely average self-help book; it is arguably the most popular and influential self-help book of all time. Before reading it, I had heard it mentioned by so many people on so many occasions that I thought, "Okay, I have to see what this is about."

The book was originally published in 1936 and revised in 1981, so it has been around for a while. While reading HtWF&IP you may, as I did, experience a sense of déjà vu regarding its advice: Smile? Use the other person's name in conversation? Let them do most of the talking? Begin with praise before delivering criticism?
I have heard all of these tips before, and I can't tell whether that means (a) that HtWF&IP was so influential that its advice had percolated through our culture; or (b) that Dale Carnegie wasn't really as insightful as he seemed, as these techniques are common sense and were probably known even at the time he wrote the book.

I think I lean more toward (a), because the combination of the book's sales figures, good reviews, the historical popularity of the courses taught at the Dale Carnegie Institute of Effective Speaking and Human Relations (described in the afterword by Lowell Thomas), the amount of research hours invested by Dale Carnegie and his assistant, and the anecdotal reports of the courses' efficacy, should account for at least some evidence that the book contains solid advice that has helped many people.

In the introduction, Carnegie describes how HtWF&IP was written:

"... I read everything that I could find on the subject... In addition, I hired a trained researcher to spend one and a half years in various libraries reading everything I had missed... We read the life stories of all great leaders from Julius Caesar to Thomas Edison. ... I personally interviewed scores of successful people, some of them world-famous... From all this material, I prepared a short talk. I called it 'How to Win Friends and Influence People.' ... This book wasn't written in the usual sense of the word. It grew as a child grows. It grew and developed out of that laboratory, out of the experiences of thousands of adults." 

As for why it was written, Carnegie explains that a survey conducted by the University of Chicago and the United YMCA Schools had revealed that what American adults were interested in most, after health, was how to understand and get along with people. And since no practical textbook on the matter existed, Carnegie wrote one.

That survey is now dated and perhaps not representative, but I'm willing to bet that people nowadays still care about their skills in handling people, so a book like this should still be relevant.

***

So, how exactly does one go about winning friends and influencing people?

HtWF&IP is divided into four parts. The first part is called Fundamental Techniques in Handling People. It gives three "principles" to follow:

1. Do not criticize people. Nobody blames themselves for anything, so criticism just makes them defensive. Benjamin Franklin said that the secret to his success was that he spoke ill of nobody, but spoke all the good he knew of everybody. This connects to the next principle. 
2. Give people honest and sincere appreciation. To get people to do something, it helps to give them what they want, which is very often a feeling of importance. Charles Schwab, a steel company executive, said the he was "anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise." This Schwab quote is repeated by Carnegie multiple times throughout the book, so I assume that means he thinks it is important. Note that we are not talking about shallow, selfish and insincere flattery here. 
3. "Arouse in the other person an eager want." The British Prime Minister Lloyd George said that one must bait the hook to suit the fish. In other words, talk about what the other person wants and show them how to get it. Begin your letter not by talking about your own problems, but by how you can help them with their interests. The aim should be mutual gains from cooperation. This relates to another tip: to increase the odds of someone accepting your idea, make them think that it was their own idea.

Part two of the book is called Six Ways to Make People Like You. As you might expect, there are six chapters, each dealing with a technique. To a large extent, these tie in with the three principles discussed in the first part.

1. Be genuinely interested in people. Instead of trying to get people interested in you, do thoughtful things for other people (like remembering their birthdays, greeting them with enthusiasm, and giving your sincere attention).
2. Smile. Even when you're on the phone, a smile can affect your voice. If you don't feel like smiling, act as if you were already happy.
3. People like the sound of their names. Take care to remember them (and avoid misspelling them). Repeating the person's name during conversation and associating it in your mind with their characteristics and traits can help you to remember.
4. Encourage people to talk about themselves and listen actively. Being a good listener can make you seem like you're a good conversationalist. Keep your ears open rather than think about what you're going to say next. Ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering (e.g. about their accomplishments).
5. Talk in terms of what the other person wants or likes. If they like boats, talk about boats.
6. In a sincere way, make them feel important. As Jesus said: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." Since most people feel that they are superior to you in some way, acknowledge this subtly (and you may learn from them).

Part three is about How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking. This time, there are twelve principles, and the chapters get shorter as they get more specific.

1. Avoid arguments. Prevent disagreements from spiraling into arguments by recognizing that there may be a point to the disagreement (e.g. they could be helping you avoid a serious mistake). Give the other person a chance to talk first. Start by dwelling on the points where you both agree. Thank them for having an interest in the same things as you.
2. Don't tell people that they're wrong. You only create antagonism by challenging them to a battle. It helps to say: "I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let's examine the facts." This leads to the next point.
3. Quickly admit when you are wrong. Since people want to feel important, they will resort to showing mercy and magnanimity when you condemn yourself first. 
4. Always begin in a friendly way. John D. Rockefeller Jr. quelled a strike by starting off his speech saying that " we meet... in [the] spirit of mutual friendship". Do not try to force your opinions on others like a bulldozer; but use gentleness and friendliness, for "a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall."
5. Get the other person to say "yes" right away. Keep emphasizing the things on which you agree. People feel like they have to stick to what they've said, so it helps to get them started in the affirmative direction. (As an aside, this reminds me of Robert Cialdini's principle of "commitment and consistency" from his book Influence). Carnegie states that the Socratic Method is also based upon getting a "yes, yes,..." response.
6. Let them do most of the talking. People want to boast about their own accomplishments more than they want to listen to yours. This is similar to principle 4 from part 2.
7. Let them feel like your idea is theirs. This was mentioned in chapter 3 from part 1. People tend to have more faith in ideas they discover for themselves, so make suggestions and let them think out the conclusion. If you care more about getting results than about getting credit, let the other person take credit for ideas that you had casually planted in their mind.
8. Try to see things from their point of view. Ask yourself why the person would want to do the thing you want them to.
9. Be sympathetic. Don't blame the other person for their ideas and desires. This relates to the previous principle.
10. Appeal to the other person's nobler motives. J.P. Morgan once observed that a person usually has two motives for doing things: one that sounds good, and a real one. If you can't afford to hire someone for a job, offer to send a cheque to their favorite charity.
11. "Dramatize your ideas." Don't just state the truth, but make it vivid and interesting. Use showmanship. Do as the movies do it.
12. Give them a challenge. Once again, Carnegie quotes Charles Schwab: "The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid money-getting way, but in the desire to excel." People are motivated the most by the work itself. They love the chance for self-expression and to prove their worth.

Finally, part four, Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment, features nine chapters on ways to change people's attitudes and behavior. (Have you noticed that the number of chapters/principles in each part is always a multiple of three?)

1. Start with honest praise and appreciation. Principle 2 from part 1 shows up again. It is also reminiscent of principle 4 from part 3. Praise makes it easier for people to thereafter listen to unpleasant feedback.
2. Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly. Instead of saying "You did X well, but ...", say "You did X well and you can do even better next time by continuing the effort." Praise their work in a way that is also a subtle suggestion that it's not up to par.
3. Before criticizing the other person, talk about your own mistakes. Admit that you are far from impeccable. 
4. Ask questions rather than giving orders. Ask things like "Do you think that would work?" or make suggestions like "You might consider this." By involving the person in the decision-making process that caused the order to be issued, you are more likely to get them to accept the order.
5. Let them save face. Do not destroy the person's ego, but assure them in front of their colleagues that you have faith in them. For example, if an employee fails a task, attribute it to their lack of experience rather than a lack of ability.
6. Praise every improvement, even the slightest. Carnegie here refers to Skinner's psychology experiments, which showed how good behaviors can be reinforced by praise, and the poorer things people do "will atrophy for lack of attention." To make the praise sincere, it should be specific.
7. Give them a reputation to live up to. To improve a person in a certain way, act as if they already had that particular outstanding trait.
8. Be encouraging and make the fault seem easy to fix. By emphasizing a person's mistakes, you discourage them; by emphasizing the things they did right, you make them want to improve further. So show them that you have faith in their ability to do it. (This is related to principle 5.)
9. Make the other person happy to do the thing you suggest. If you have to refuse an invitation to give a speech, recommend someone else who can accept the invitation. Give people titles and authority, like Napoleon did. Point out the benefits of doing as you suggest.

In the words of Lowell Thomas, if you possess the ability to talk well, to win people to your way of thinking, and to "sell" yourself and your ideas, you will have a shortcut to distinction.

***

In addition to these chapters, Dale Carnegie provides a section wherein he gives nine suggestions on "how to get the most out of this book." I really liked this part, if only because it makes the book more practical, and the suggestions actually make sense. For example, he recommends the reader to read each chapter twice, to underscore each important idea, to review the book monthly, to apply the principles at every opportunity, and to reflect each week on their progress. One can also make notes on how and when one has applied the principles, and get a friend to hold one accountable for sticking to them. Of course, it helps to be deeply interested in mastering the principles of human relations, and to think proactively about how you can apply each suggestion. As Carnegie writes in the introduction, "this is an action book."
While I haven't implemented these myself (with the exception of underlining important passages), I think I will be more reflective about my social interactions from now on.

***

Other interesting quotes from the book:

• "Some authorities declare that people may actually go insane in order to find, in the dreamland of insanity, the feeling of importance that has been denied them in the harsh world of reality." (part 1, chapter 2)
• "You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you." (part 2, chapter 2)
• "Libraries and museums owe their richest collections to people who cannot bear to think that their names might perish from the memory of the race." (part 2, chapter 3)
• "No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts." (part 3, chapter 7)
• "Suppose you had inherited the same body and temperament and mind that Al Capone had. Suppose you had his environment and experiences. You would then be precisely what he was -- and where he was. For it is those things -- and only those things -- that made him what he was. The only reason, for example, that you are not a rattlesnake is that your mother and father weren't rattlesnakes." (part 3, chapter 9)
• "Why, I wonder, don't we use the same common sense when trying to change people that we use when trying to change dogs? Why don't we use meat instead of a whip?" (part 4, chapter 6)

***

Overall, how do I feel about this book? On Goodreads I gave it 3 stars out of 5, which means "I liked it" but not "It was amazing". What I definitely do like about HtWF&IP is its style of writing, which is accessible and engaging at the same time. However, my biggest complaint is its redundancy: Carnegie stuffs each chapter full of examples and anecdotes and case studies, and while this helps to back up his claims, it can get a bit tedious to read after you have already understood his point. In addition, many chapters overlap in their core theses (which seems to be: "be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise"), so I got the sense that the book could have been shorter than it is.

Furthermore, HtWF&IP is very light on experimental science and statistics. Most of the "evidence" comes in the form of cherry-picked examples of historical figures like Abraham Lincoln or Theodore Roosevelt, and from testimonials of people who have taken Carnegie's courses or attended his lectures. At least he includes their names and professions, so I believe that he's not making things up. My doubt isn't so much that the advice contained in the book is worthless or dangerous, but that it may not work for everybody or in every case (and I wouldn't expect Carnegie to include examples of his techniques backfiring in his book); or that even if it is generally good advice, it may not necessarily be the best advice. Yet as far as I can tell at this moment, most of the tips "make sense".

Like I said before, they may just be common sense. Even so, it may be worth repeating such advice. People often forget to empathize and see things from others' points of view, and they try to covertly manipulate others rather than being honest and sincere. In HtWF&IP, Dale Carnegie addresses both these points. He emphasizes that the book is not for exploiting people, but for "a new way of life". Nevertheless, I can understand how people might still feel like some of these techniques are sort of "sneaky".

One final concern that I have, is that while some people may certainly benefit from being nicer, there are others who perhaps need to be less doormat-like in their conduct and more assertive of their own needs. There are situations where the most effective approach is to minimize conflict by avoiding argument and refraining from condemnation, and then there are situations where one may have to tell the other person to stop being obnoxious. There are many nuances of human social behavior, and they are not at the heart of this book.